


Numb

by ASJEO



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:35:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27281308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASJEO/pseuds/ASJEO
Summary: She can’t put her finger on one single thing that has happened to make her feel this way, she knows it’s a multitude of things that have been grating on her over the last seven years.
Relationships: Samantha "Sam" Carter/Jack O'Neill
Comments: 7
Kudos: 50





	Numb

**Author's Note:**

> So, I don't quite know where this has come from but here it is. I was thinking about the state of mind that Sam was in around season 7 and how it could have lead her to miss the signs that Pete wasn't right for her etc... 
> 
> It's angsty and a little emo (so unlike me) but I think it fits with Sam and everything that she has been through up until this point. 
> 
> All mistakes are my own.

She is numb.

She’s been numb for a really, really long time but she’s only just realised it. She’d always been someone who feels everything, excitement at her latest new discovery, exhilaration as she flies an alien ship through space. 

Now she feels exhausted, drained almost, but that’s it. Sometimes it feels as though her world has been drained of colour, leaving her with dull grey tones. The things that used to make her heart leap no longer do. She feigns smiles, even laughs but she doesn’t feel the joy that she should, the joy that she used to feel so often. 

She can’t put her finger on one single thing that has happened to make her feel this way, she knows it’s a multitude of things that have been grating on her over the last seven years. Seven years of “Yes Sirs!” and “Fix it Carter.” Seven years of an exhausting ache in her heart. Seven years of losing people that she loves. 

Maybe she’s lucky that she doesn’t feel anything anymore. 

No one has noticed, she can’t tell if that’s a good thing or not? She thought Teal’c might, but he’s been so wrapped up in the rebels freedom, she doesn’t blame him. Years ago Daniel would have noticed, but things are different now. It frightens her that she can feel this way and still play the perfect soldier. She wonders if she should just be grateful that she’s still able to function?

Sometimes, just sometimes, a deep hurt builds in the pit of her stomach. She thinks of Janet, her friend, and everything that she has lost in losing her. There were times when life was overwhelming and Janet was there, with a smile, a stern word or advice, now, as life almost smothers Sam there is nothing to slow it down or make it feel just a little bit better. She thinks about Cassandra, and how much the girl has suffered in such a short amount of time, the pain intensifies then, reminding her that she’s still capable of feeling things, but only if it hurts. 

In grieving for Janet she realises that grief does not just come from a physical loss. When she thinks of the Colonel the long suffering ache in her heart dulls. She hadn’t realised that she could grieve for someone who had not died, someone she saw every single day, but she can, and she is. 

Such a distance has grown between them that she feels as though she has no connection with him at all anymore. They talk, they work together and they save the world but he’s been keeping her at arm’s length for what seems like years. She knows that it’s for her, for her career and reputation, she also wonders if it’s about self-preservation for him. She knows that she should be grateful, he’s made it crystal clear where they stand, she’s past that incessant wondering, questioning every word, every accidental touch. She was anything but numb then, she felt everything, every single thing. She isn’t sure which one is worse. 

When she thinks about grieving for him she’s thankful that she feels so rarely. It was such a vivid, intense pain when she first became aware of it, it was unbearable. Now she can cope. She loved him, loves him, and losing that connection on top of everything else that her body, mind and heart have been through over the past seven years is just too much for one person to take. She had heard of bodies physically shutting down, she had heard of brains shutting down in order to save the body from a deep trauma, she didn’t realise that her brain could go into auto pilot, ridding her of most emotions, allowing her to continue each day without breaking down.

“Carter?” She is shaken from her thoughts as the colonel exits his tent. “It’s my watch,” he tells her as she looks at him with a confused glance. 

“Right,” she starts to move. How had it been three hours already? 

“Carter…” He starts, she hears a hesitation in his voice. 

“Yes, Sir?” The good soldier mask is firmly on. 

“Is everything okay… with you?” 

She feels something shift inside of her, something she hasn’t felt for a while. She watches as he looks at her, waiting for her to answer. She thinks about telling him, about asking for help, she thinks she might want to feel again. 

After a moment she replies. “I’m fine, Sir,” she offers, half-heartedly. 

He stares at her, unconvinced. 

“Honestly Sir, I’m fine.” 

“You know that…” he quietly clears his throat, “If you need anything? It’s been a rough year.”

She knows that now is the time, if ever there was a time it was now. But then she wonders what good it would do. How can he help her? And why should she risk getting close to him again, she can’t grieve for him all over again. She can’t put herself through it again. “Yes Sir, I’m okay. I’ll see you in the morning.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I'd love to know what you think x


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